New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
