Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
