you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
