why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
