I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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