i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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