the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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