What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
