its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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