If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
