I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
that is very illegal...i love you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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