did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
