Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
