I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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