SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
