1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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