I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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