my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
