dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so let's talk penis.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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