You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
