he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
