there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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