My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
