lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
