absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
