so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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