STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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