I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
