Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
