I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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