Apparently you make a good broom.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
