I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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