Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
