nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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