all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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