Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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