I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
