Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
