Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
