working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
