2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
