I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
