omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dignity is for republicans.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
