I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
