I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
