I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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