She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
