I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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