he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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