I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
