I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
