Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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