oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
